April First Shenanigans

Like all good things, this story begins at around lunch time and involves pie. You see, we (my family-unit) had an excess of $0.50 pies from Walmart and we had to get rid of them.

That gave me an idea.

It was a bad idea.

Regardless, these things don't come to me very often, so I decided to follow through with it. I developed a hit list and, donning my brownest clothes and my hat in order to look like the spiffy delivery man that I am, I gathered up the four pies and navigated my way out of the garage with the family minivan.

My task had already become difficult.

Traveling West on route 22, I soon happened upon my first victim's house. I parked alongside Yao's place of living and flipped out my trusty cellphone, dialing Yao's cell number. The conversation went something like this:

Yao: Hello?
Me: Hello, Pie Delivery Service.
Yao: What?
Me: Pie...Delivery...Service...
Yao: What? Kung?
Me: Yeah, it's me. We have you listed for a pie here...
Yao: What are you doing?
Me: I'm delivering pies.
Yao: So you're delivering pies...for a pie restaurant.
Me: Yes.
Yao: What restaurant?
Me: Baker's Square, duh. It's the only one around. Anyway, that'll be five dollars.
Yao: Wait, you got a job?! At Baker's Square?
Me: Yeah. Delivery. Uniform 'n everything.
Yao: Oh, okay. That's cool.
Me: Yeah, so...about this pie...
Yao: I didn't order a pie.
Me: I've got a pie for you.
Yao: Well, I didn't order a pie...
*This goes on for a while.*
Me: Look, I've got to make this delivery, alright? So just take it and pay me.
Yao: Well, what kinds do you have?
Me: Well, there's Chocolate Eclair, Blueberry, Cherry, and Lemon pie.
Yao: Alright, can I have Bluebuerry?
Me: Sure. Oh, and Yao?
Yao: Yeah?
Me: What date is it?
Yao: It's Friday.
Me: No, what date?
Yao: It's April 1st...oh...you suck.

Then we hung up. Presumably, Yao went back to sleep. I, however, did nothing of the sort. I slipped out of my car, walked to his front door and rang the bell, summoning his tiny sister.

Me: Hi, Pie Delivery Service. Could you give this to Yao?

I slipped here. I forgot his alias in the household was "Michael."

Jessica: Sure...

Then I left. I believe I heard the "What the hell?" from my car. Shortly thereafter, my phone rang and Yao finagled me into taking him with me, as well as swapping out the Blueberry I'd given him for...something else. That he never took. If I'm not mistaken, he ate the Blueberry pie in a moment of forgetfulness.

I learned from Yao that my last number on the hitlist, Sir, was in Georgia. How the hell did I forget that she was in Georgia? he asked. I shrugged. Then there was a long period of unproductive driving, presented here in bulletpoints:

-Called Thompson. No go.

-Drove to Preeti's house, whereupon calling her home we find out that she's not there. Yao screws up the possibility of pranking Ashwin by asking me loudly, "if we want to prank Ashwin." Not realizing this, we call back several times, calls that Ashwin does not even bother to answer.

-Between one of those calls, we decide to give it a while so as not to seem suspicious. In the meantime, we decide to find Kim's house. We completely drive around randomly for about five minutes, then Yao puts us on the right track and we park around the bend from Kim's house. Yao calls her and, through his amazing diplomatic skills, makes sure Kim thinks it's a lame April Fool's day prank call.

Don't get me wrong. It was. That's how it was supposed to be for the second part of the prank.

The operation was not off to a good start, however. The conversation went sorta like this.

Kim: Yao?
Yao: Yeah. Yeah it's me. Kung and I got a job at Baker's Square...

At which point Kim broke down and laughed for three minutes straight. Evidently during this time, she said something about her grandmother's health problems (back?) and requiring a long time to answer the door, but Yao isn't listening.

We get out and hit the doorbell. The dog goes nuts.

And then we wait. And we wait. And wait...

...and finally, I just leave. Yao stalls a bit, looking at the door, and just as we pass a bit out of sight, the door opens. We run back, and Kim says, "You guys are so weird!" This is, as a matter of fact, a fact. We run back and I slip the pie in her door as she's shutting it. That kinda hurt. She said, as she retreated into her abode, that she was getting her shoes. Yao and I looked at each other.

"RUN!"

And then we ran. She caught up later, we talked a bit, Yao got hit in the arm. Meanwhile, I didn't want to break the law, so we don't take her with. Besides, she can't leave because of her grandma's health. I break the law later anyway.

-Called Toni. No answer.
-Called Preeti again. No answer. Thanks Yao.
-Yaz is gone.
-Don't know where Zen is.
-Neal's not home and isn't answering his phone.
-Don't know where Zach is.
-We're driving around all this time, calling people. NO ONE IN GROSSE POINT IS HOME.

Finally, we decide to go to call Weijia. Keep in mind, this is still around pre-lunch/lunch time. Most people wouldn't even be awake at this time. Yao calls and I let him handle it. He handles it terribly. He is a crappy, crappy liar. Weij falls for it hook, line, and sinker. Here's the conversation:

Yao: So, Kung and I got jobs delivering pies from Baker's Square.
Weij: SHIT HOT!
Yao: We've got a pie for you.
Weij: Sweet, what happened? When did you get the job? I want that pie!
Yao: I applied for the job yesterday, even though I was with you most of the time. I used the website. Bakersquare.com.
Weij: Whoa cool *drool slobber* pie agaadfhgaiernvada!@ What's a websites?
Yao: ...here's Kung.
Weij: Can I get a job at Baker's Square?
Me: Well, I'd have to talk to the manager.
Weij: Uniforms?
Me: Yeah...
Weij: Well, that's okay. Your car or company car?
Me: Company car all the way, baby!
Weij: Nice.
Me: Oh, by the way, Weijia...April Fool's!
*hangup*

We arrived at his house and gave him the lemon pie. He was surprisingly non-plussed. He just wanted to come along and bitched a bit about us messing up his homework schedule. Oh well. I think we drove around uselessly after that.

At some point, we ran out of pies. I don't remember how-
OH!

We left one for Dima! I believe it was the chocolate eclair pie. At first, Weij and Yao were too frightened of Dima to actually ring the doorbell and leave it on the doorstep since he wasn't at home. It fell to me, which was probably best because I didn't know Dima or his parents. First, though, we wrote a message and inserted ingeniously into the pie box so that it stuck out. Weijia's idea, that. The message went a little like this:

Pie 4 Dima
We *heart* U

I got out, put the pie down, rang the doorbell, and made my swift retreat back to the car, where we made our getaway. On the way out, we saw the TV on and no one opened the door to get the pie.

Then, with Weijia as our navigator, we made our way to Zen's house. Unfortunately, we're out of pies. Using only our improvisational genius, we quickly have her convinced that we got a job at Sam's Club as delivery men and we have some "sample" water bottles that we can give away for free. Weij handed it over to me, Zen and I talked a bit, then she "convinced" me to give the samples to Toni. Saying that Toni wasn't home would have been just rude, so instead I crowed "April Fools' Day!" and hung up. I don't really remember the conversation too well, but it contained the information that she wasn't dressed yet and it would take her a while to answer the door, which is why she recommended Toni. We were already in front of her house. I attempted to tell Weijia what she told me, but he was already out of the car with one of my precious Sam's Club water bottles. Eh. What the hell, you know?

So we rang the doorbell. And then we waited.

What's with women and not being able to answer the damned door in time?

Finally, she peeked out, I gave her the water bottle, and we scram. I got lost for a bit before going back to Kim's house, where glorious cookie and water delights were found. Yeah, I suck at directions.

Then we decided to do something to Zach, in between thinking up something to do to the rest of LDF, and, with Weijia's help, we start toward his house. Our chances of successfully pranking him reduce to zilch once we pass him on the road.

Damn.

Turn around. Then, for a change, we got out of GP. Time to pick up Pichu, baby! The plan is to tell him there's a party at Thompson's house, let him get out of the car...and drive off. Then Thompson and Pichu can hang out. Or Perry could have a party since Thompson was probably still asleep. I dunno. We would have been long gone.

Things go...somewhat according to plan. Perry is successfully picked up without him attempting to contact Thompson. Once we arrive at Thompson's house, things go without a hitch. None of us even attempt to get out of the car...except for Perry, who is across the street before I know what's happening. Soon enough, the doors shut and I tore up the road like a child through wrapping paper.

That's when it kinda died. Perry called us and said he was walking home and we felt bad. Plus, we didn't plan far enough ahead to turn off our cell phones so that we didn't hear him say that he was walking home which would make us feel bad enough to go back and pick him up.

This thing is turning into a fucking book!

Okay, back to the story. After picking up Pichu, we go to...Walgreens. Because Yao wanted a haircut at the nearby SuperCuts, then changed his mind. We barely entered when the Walmart-like name and Walmart-like atmosphere bring to mind the music video that we must strive to imitate. Weijia gets the idea that we can do the music video TODAY, and I totally agree. First we need to grab Fill and second we need to grab the videocamera from my house. Only one thing.

Ashwin's been gabbing online. As a result, getting Phil into the car is particularly difficult. I could have heard wrong, but I think the conversation went like this:

Weijia: Come on outside, we're gonna do the music video.
Fill: Fuck you!
Weijia: C'mon, really. We're outside. On your driveway.
Fill: Fuck you!
Weijia: Seriously.
Fill: Really?
Weijia: Yeah.
Fill: Fuck you!

Then we rushed his door and rang the bell. We even waved at him. Then for some reason, we ran away. Fill wasn't coming out for another fifteen minutes after that.

Me: Why the fuck did we run away?
Weijia: I don't know, you were the one who was running.
Me: I just started to go back to the car. I don't know what everybody else was thinking.

Me: What's taking him so long?

Me: We should piss on his lawn.

Me: Call him. Tell him we're pissing on his lawn if he doesn't come out.

He came out just in time. Weijia was just mentioning that he actually did have to go...so that makes it a speedy run back to my house, where I give my sister a terse explanation.

Me: I pranked some people. They followed me home.
Alyson: Alright...

Then we were off again...to Walgreens! Surely, as brethren to Walmart in all and including name, they would allow us to film - just as the Vietnamese students at the University of Texas had!

Or not. After a few quick shots, we were told we could not videotape in Walgreens. The natural course of things was to go outside. Where there were carts. And cart racing. And the videotaping thereof. Except for this one stupid old man who didn't even work for Walgreens...

SOM: Hey! Stop that! You shouldn't do that! It's dangerous!

And yes, every sentence ended with an exclamation. He went into the Walgreens as we left. As we hopped in the car, we saw him bring out the manager. To add insult to injury, he was obstructing the exit and I couldn't run him over. Running people over is wrong. But he was almost dead anyway.

The weather was turning pretty crappy pretty quickly, but we persisted and ended up in a park without a parking lot. That was intentionally designed to keep kids like us out of the neighborhood. It didn't work. We did some...shit...there. It just...it just doesn't look good without music. It looks retarded. Trust me. Once it started drizzling, we got back in the car and Weijia suggested we do a chinese fire drill. One problem - we'd need another cameraman. A quick call later, we were back at Kim's house, where Kim was kind enough to film for us. Thanks Kim! Hope your grandma gets better soon!

I don't know how we decide to do this, exactly, but we go to the mall. Yay! Mall! Mother calls and asks where I am, since it's 2:30pm and I've been gone since 10:45am. Mall, mother dearest, call me when you want me back. Okay. Bye.

After some intense parking hijinks wherein a bunch of assmonkeys steal my parking spaces, we finally score a spot close to Carson Pirie Scott. Whao. Rhyme. Time. Dime. Lime. Fine. Mine. Shine.

We get in the mall and...

*Blanks out. What the hell happened in the mall?*

We filmed some stuff...went to the food court...went to JC Penny and filmed more stuff. That took a long, long time, due to certain physical limitations. In fact, that took from 2:30pm to about 4:30pm, when we left. Driving people home in the rain in rush hour was, in a word, not fun.

Crap, that's two words. Oh well, I'm too lazy to go back and change it.

Dropping everybody off took until about 5:45pm. Then I got home at around 6:00pm, just in time for dinner, blessed dinner. At 6:12pm, I started typing, and I finished at 8:44pm.

That, my friends, was my April Fool's Day.