In foresight...

I'm writing this here because most of my friends don't read this. Or if they do, they leave not a trace of their coming, which, to me, is the same thing. Doubtless I'll post something more uplifting at my Xanga just before I leave. It won't be a lie...just the flip-side of the same coin. I wonder what side I'll land on...

I am...apprehensive. I was talking to Yankun (Xia's girlfriend) yesterday, since she'd just gotten back from China, and I realized, viscerally, how out of place I would be in China. I was going to make a dig at myself with a sarcastic comment somewhere along the lines of, "Yes! I will enjoy, and very much so, a long and arduous journey to a place where my own people hate me because I can't speak/am not like them so that I can continue to be stymied by my inability to be Chinese!"

But then I realized it was true. Of course, it's an American tour group, where thousands of twinkies before me have gone, it may not be as extreme as that...but the flavor will linger in the back of my throat, if you know what I mean? I'm still going to try to enjoy myself. It's just...hard.

I think my elder sister just got off the computer writing about the same thing. Go check it out here. I'm not going to read it before I'm done writing this - I want this to be uncolored by my sib's musings.

Another thing I'm worried about is my health. I haven't coughed this much since the last time I had a severe asthma attack, and from what I've heard, everyone gets sick in China. I am definitely already sick, judging by my cough and stuffed nose. I wake up every morning at six, coughing my lungs out. This is just niggling though - I tend to blow off any concern about my health once things start to happen. It's just sitting here worrying that's killing my mind.

Worrying, worrying, worrying. I'm such a failure. I planned so many things, but forgot them. I was going to learn how to speak at least a little...at least to try! But I didn't...I can never seem to focus. I need to finish some things yet, but I can't get to all of them. Not enough time...but there had been time. There is time. But I must stop wasting it doing nothing.

I'm worried about how to impress them. The entire Chinese people, as fractious as they are. Silly - they're just people. But they represent so much more to me. For that reason, I have to stand out from them. I have to be someone they can point to with awe, so no shame reaches anyone - not my family, not my people, not myself. But...I assume they are like me. Not in every way, no, but rather...using myself as a baseline, I expect their average to be at least as good as myself. And I'm fucking amazing. Really.

How do you stand out in something like that? How are you special? How are you supposed to please everyone?

Well, this has gotten out of hand. I'll leave my xanga post for later, when I'm happier.